The other day we had a discussion meeting on “ freedom from bondage”. Of coarse I had to add my comments.

By the end of my drinking I was in a pickle, plus I was pickled. I was drinking 2, two liter bottles of vodka a day. This in it’s self is a time consuming problem. You have to spread out you drinks or you will be going up and down like a yoyo. This doesn’t leave much time for a job. Actually it leaves no time for a job, and in a way, that a good thing; because it will get you past that constant rejection of being fired over and over again. Now you have time for other important task; like daily trips to the liquor store and disposing of empties so you trash doesn’t look like you are a drunk.

And then there are the logistical problems. You have to make sure that there is an ample supply of booze hidden in you vehicle. You could break down in a dry area or worst a dry county and even worst you may be there over night. Since there were times when you would run out and have to drink up your car inventory in a black out; only to be caught later with NO BOOZE. You had to re-check the car inventory on a regular basis ( Saying to yourself someone may have stole it.).Because, we couldn’t have NO BOOZE. God ! do you remember NO BOOZE. END OF THE WORLD SHERE PANIC ! OUT OF BOOZE !

And if you were like me you also had to ware clothes that were conducive to hiding booze on your person. Even in a bar you needed real booze on hand to fortify yourself, from getting the shakes caused by weak bar drinks. Boots were great in the winter because you could fit two pints in them. But they did not work well with your bathing suit or shorts in the summer. But, a hot water bottle full of booze did give you the appearance of a nice package in a loose bathing suit at the beach. It was just every time you needed a drink you had to be care full that people would not think you were playing with yourself.

And if some said “ Hey, Let’s go so in so…. Ride with us” You couldn’t do it. They may not have enough booze. Hell, They might not have any booze in the car. They may stay at the place long after the booze had run out and there you would be; trembling, shaking, and sweating, with people saying “are you all right?” Well hell no, I’m not all right you powder house fart ! I am dying for a drink.

They may take you to a dry county. There you are in a convince store hoping your friends will not see you pour a bottle of lemon extra into your Sprite. Or buy, down and dispose of a bottle of Nyquil before anyone could see.

And as if that is all not enough; there is the problem of not looking or smelling like a drunk. It gets to a point that your supply of Tic Tacs are as hard to maintain as you booze. Part of the denial of you problem is being unwilling to face the fact you need to buy them by the case. And even so, the day comes, when the Tic Tacs no longer work and you try things like drinking Listerine and you worry that even though it contains sufficient alcohol, but the eucalyptus could be bad for your stomach.

And as your body becomes more toxic, bathes become more and more frequent, (what a water bill for a fellow who doesn’t even drink it) and the cost of deodorant and cologne skyrocket. And don’t think coating your whole body with deodorant is not time consuming. It is. Of coarse soon you will not really have to worry about hygiene. Because one of the other freedoms you give up is the freedom to have a relationship.  You will not even be able to remember why people are mad at you. And forget sex, women are not impressed when you pass out mid stroke or intercourse be comes like shoving a clam into a coin slot.

All in all in the end it is a death sentence, but you think things are going good, because you just got another stay of execution and you can live a little longer on death row.

I think this part of the steps is probably one of the most under played or overlooked part.  The Steps say: “ …..that our lives had become unmanageable” the big Book of AA says: “ Is he not the victim of the delusion that all will be well if only he manages well. This why in Step Two you admit you need to be restored to sanity. Delusion is insanity.

People say to me: “Well, I was (or am), Paying my bills, holding down a job, and keeping my house and clothes clean, I just have a drinking problem” or the come back is: “yeah, sure my life was un-manageable, so let get on to step two.”

These people are building a house without checking the foundation quality, or checking the routing of plumbing and electrical. Just get me get on to the step four framing, where I can legitimately stall because: “It is just so hard” or “I am just not a person that writes”

I often think , most people view the wording of the first step as some kind of a paraphrase language saying: “I must stop drinking, because things have just got too bad” just as I said in an earlier blog. I think, I expected step one to say: “Never, never drink alcohol again,… My last half would have been: “because you are out of control.”

There is a good reason the first step is worded the way it is. (And it is not because it was the inspired word of God) It is because it was written by a very intelligent, well educated man of great concern and consternation. And the edited by other intelligent men, all of which had GREAT deal of experience with alcoholism. For the person who really gives themselves to a true study of the steps, it becomes clear, that the words are precise and spark greater understanding for the reader, If you take the time to journal, not only about powerlessness, but the true depth of the unmanageability, you will realize a person who is imbibing poison that will do brain damage till it does enough physical damage to kill them: has a real management problem. If you can’t manage drinking poison, what is depth of you problem? What are these suicidal roots of this disease?

Of course if you take this a step further, you have to ask, just how delusional is the human race as whole. But that is a subject for my other blog.