When I first came into AA. I saw the steps hanging on the wall. I read through them and thought they were like the doctrine of most churches. Being: a lose set of ideals that were not really followed or have any strict meaning. I hoped, I expected something “more concrete”, like a prescription. Of course, today my life, my hopes and my very sanity rest upon those steps.

But back then; I read step one: “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable” and thought “ if this is the beginning of some kind of a pledge of abstinence, It has sure has some pretty weird wording”. Being powerless over it was what I liked about it. Nothing else could slow the ranting of all the lunatics that lived inside my head. And my life being unmanageable.. well,.that was what they were ranting about.

After I had been in the program about three years, I heard a friend of mine tell her story. She related how that when she came into the program the last time; she had a legal action hanging over her head from her last drunk driving episode. When she finally went to court, on it, she had been in the program for about six months. Setting in the witness box, the prosecuting attorney grilled her on the specifics of the charges. Finally, he summed up by saying: “ Ms So N So, your record reflects, You have been in and out of AA for five or six years: you have been jailed twice, institutionalize three times, and been homeless. You have had you children taken from you. After all that, with all that you must have know about alcoholism, what would processed you to drink again. She said she wanted to be rigorously honest like the big book tells us to be. But, what was the truth?  Why did she do it? She thought and thought , and finally said: “ I thought it would work”

When I heard that, I was rocked, That is what step one was talking about: When Alcohol is choking the life out of you. You still think it is the solution, not the problem. Up until that time, I had always said; I will never drink again unless something really bad happens. Alcoholism had all but destroyed my life, and I was still saying: “ I’ll be good and not drink so that I can maneuver in this unfair world, but when the chips are down, I know; Ole John Barleycorn is my only real salvation…….. THAT IS INSANITY!

Today the God of my very little understanding is my salvation ( whether I am dead or ALIVE ). And, I don’t need a reason to be good. I can be good for nothing.

Wouldn’t it be great if: when a new comer walked in to AA, We could hook him/her up to a machine that would let them know what it feels like to have lived the program for several years. When I came in, I thought the program was about not drinking. And, frankly, that did not sound too good. I though happiness an joy could not exist without booze. Happiness was drunk with a woman and money. I could not picture it any other way. I thought once I pass the “initiation”, they would take me before a committee. One would Say: I am Such N. Such, I am going to help you get a job. Brother So N. So can then get you loan, to get you back on your feet, Sister Who’s It will line you up with some dates, and of course Dr Feelgood will prescribe some meds. WRONG! Just shows you the level of the insanity.