There has been a lot said about step two. One of the most famous, " I came, …. I came to ….., and I came to believe " another is the types that refer to the word Sanity. We many times, laugh this one off. We say things like: well, I had to be insane to drink like that, but we say it with a kind of a tongue in cheek, a bashful smile. Hidden beneath it is the hope, the wish, the certainty, that we're not really insane. And then there are those ominous words in the middle: " a Power greater than our self. Some of us run head long into this idea. Oh, “it's God, I know all about God. I learned about God in church”. Or, we of the other variety, who know nothing of God. We are all too willing to learn. We're ready to accept the wildest ideas. This is mainly because we believe that Our parents, family, friends or other important people (lots of them ); believe these ideas. What I have found over the years is: that step two, being one of the most vital and important steps, is one of the ones that most of us look at and go: " well that is easy” Let me tell you if it is not. This is the foundation that your whole life of soberiety is built on. And a day will surely come, when the pain that made you an alcoholic, will be so great that it will test every piece of sand, every piece of wire, every piece rebar, you have used in that foundation. Even if you revert to some childhood religion, you will need to be sure that in face of great or prolonged suffering, it is enough. For in that moment, you will ask that question; that every alcoholic consciously or unconsciously ask in that darkest hour. Where is God? Is there a God. And does it make HIM a “tinkers damn” that this God of my understanding, understands. If you find he doesn’t help on a terrestrial level, If he cannot give you spiritual or mental help. If He, She or It does nothing, what makes you think He can save your immortal soul? Spirituality is easy when ever thing it is OK. Or, it is new to you and you have not tested it. Spirituality is challenging when things get rough. But when your bones turned to dust as you yet breathe, Spirituality is mashed, twisted and pulled into to microscopic proportions in the crucible that is the alcoholic mind. For most people believing in God is like believing in Santa, all without expecting the presents. They can at least believe there is certainly a spirit of Christmas. The God that most people worship, they don't really have to think about too much. That can give him credit for every good thing and blame the old devil for every bad thing. But not so, for alcoholics. Or, at least not for most alcoholics. We ask questions like: If God is so good and perfect, How did He let a thing like Satan occur? If He is all powerful, all loving, and all merciful why does He let so many innocents suffer so terribly? If God did not think I should live a certain way, Why did He make me with all these burning desires, wants, and needs? I was a Baptist from birth. I was a good Baptist. I knew the doctrine. I studied and I listened. The churches that I went to were not hell fire and damnation. Most of them preached a historical message or exegesis. But I still became so confused by the double talk, that is inherent in a fundamentalist view of the Bible; that, as a result, I began to doubt God. Many are the night that I passed out on the floor, having been praying on my knees for God to remove the desire to drink from me. When I got to AA, I told of First guy who would listen me, that there was no way I could buy Step 2 and 3. He did a wonderful thing for me. He said don't worry about that God stuff. He said make this group your higher power. He pointed out that they were staying sober and I was not. And that they could show me how to stay sober; if I would let them. Actually higher powers like the police and prison guards could keep me sober even if I didn't want them to. But there was an easier way. I think most of us will be disappointed in spiritual this Santa Claus type God. when the chips are down. The organization of Alcoholics Anonymous, the steps and the program are all a power much greater than yourself. This is why step to comes before step 3. I personally do not believe that you're ready to confront the God of your understanding or to find the God of your understanding, until you have worked the steps and become a part of Alcoholics Anonymous. I know that may sound little silly, because step 3 is a part of the steps. But this is the difference between religion and spirituality. When I first worked step 3 with my sponsor. I was told to throw out everything I knew about God, except what I knew when I was a small boy and of about four years old. At 4 years old I was told that God is love. My sponsor said I could believe that ( God is Love), but only in the most abstract sense. I said, " so that is the definition of God ", she said no, you stupid idiot. That is the area in which you can start to build a spiritual understanding of your own personal God. With that we launched into a program of vigorous action. We did four through 12, without flashing lights or bells ringing or miracles falling from the skies, we did the steps. Sometimes we did the steps over and over till I got it right. But, as it says is a step 12, as a result of the steps, I had a spiritual awakening. As a result of that spiritual awakening and a practice of prayer and meditation, I found a God of my own understanding. And though I believe that my God was the creator and is part of all that IS, he bears little likenesses to the God you hear about in church. This is not to say you may not wind up with the God of your understanding being that God that you grew up with. God has to do with faith. Faith has to do with the experience. And only you can interpret how you experienced your life and your God.

The other day we had a discussion meeting on “ freedom from bondage”. Of coarse I had to add my comments.

 

By the end of my drinking I was in a pickle, plus I was pickled. I was drinking 2, two liter bottles of vodka a day. This in it’s self is a time consuming problem. You have to spread out you drinks or you will be going up and down like a yoyo. This doesn’t leave much time for a job. Actually it leaves no time for a job, and in a way, that a good thing; because it will get you past that constant rejection of being fired over and over again. Now you have time for other important task; like daily trips to the liquor store and disposing of empties so you trash doesn’t look like you are a drunk.

 

And then there are the logistical problems. You have to make sure that there is an ample supply of booze hidden in you vehicle. You could break down in a dry area or worst a dry county and even worst you may be there over night. Since there were times when you would run out and have to drink up your car inventory in a black out; only to be caught later with NO BOOZE. You had to re-check the car inventory on a regular basis ( Saying to yourself someone may have stole it.).Because, we couldn’t have NO BOOZE. God ! do you remember NO BOOZE. END OF THE WORLD SHERE PANIC ! OUT OF BOOZE !

 

And if you were like me you also had to ware clothes that were conducive to hiding booze on your person. Even in a bar you needed real booze on hand to fortify yourself, from getting the shakes caused by weak bar drinks. Boots were great in the winter because you could fit two pints in them. But they did not work well with your bathing suit or shorts in the summer. But, a hot water bottle full of booze did give you the appearance of a nice package in a loose bathing suit at the beach. It was just every time you needed a drink you had to be care full that people would not think you were playing with yourself.

 

And if some said “ Hey, Let’s go so in so…. Ride with us” You couldn’t do it. They may not have enough booze. Hell, They might not have any booze in the car. They may stay at the place long after the booze had run out and there you would be; trembling, shaking, and sweating, with people saying “are you all right?” Well hell no, I’m not all right you powder house fart ! I am dying for a drink.

 

They may take you to a dry county. There you are in a convince store hoping your friends will not see you pour a bottle of lemon extra into your Sprite. Or buy, down and dispose of a bottle of Nyquil before anyone could see.

 

And as if that is all not enough; there is the problem of not looking or smelling like a drunk. It gets to a point that your supply of Tic Tacs are as hard to maintain as you booze. Part of the denial of you problem is being unwilling to face the fact you need to buy them by the case. And even so, the day comes, when the Tic Tacs no longer work and you try things like drinking Listerine and you worry that even though it contains sufficient alcohol, but the eucalyptus could be bad for your stomach.

 

And as your body becomes more toxic, bathes become more and more frequent, (what a water bill for a fellow who doesn’t even drink it) and the cost of deodorant and cologne skyrocket. And don’t think coating your whole body with deodorant is not time consuming. It is. Of coarse soon you will not really have to worry about hygiene. Because one of the other freedoms you give up is the freedom to have a relationship.  You will not even be able to remember why people are mad at you. And forget sex, women are not impressed when you pass out mid stroke or intercourse be comes like shoving a clam into a coin slot.

 

All in all in the end it is a death sentence, but you think things are going good, because you just got another stay of execution and you can live a little longer on death row.

 

I think this part of the steps is probably one of the most under played or overlooked part.  The Steps say: “ …..that our lives had become unmanageable” the big Book of AA says: “ Is he not the victim of the delusion that all will be well if only he manages well. This why in Step Two you admit you need to be restored to sanity. Delusion is insanity.

People say to me: “Well, I was (or am), Paying my bills, holding down a job, and keeping my house and clothes clean, I just have a drinking problem” or the come back is: “yeah, sure my life was un-manageable, so let get on to step two.”

These people are building a house without checking the foundation quality, or checking the routing of plumbing and electrical. Just get me get on to the step four framing, where I can legitimately stall because: “It is just so hard” or “I am just not a person that writes”

I often think , most people view the wording of the first step as some kind of a paraphrase language saying: “I must stop drinking, because things have just got too bad” just as I said in an earlier blog. I think, I expected step one to say: “Never, never drink alcohol again,… My last half would have been: “because you are out of control.”

There is a good reason the first step is worded the way it is. (And it is not because it was the inspired word of God) It is because it was written by a very intelligent, well educated man of great concern and consternation. And the edited by other intelligent men, all of which had GREAT deal of experience with alcoholism. For the person who really gives themselves to a true study of the steps, it becomes clear, that the words are precise and spark greater understanding for the reader, If you take the time to journal, not only about powerlessness, but the true depth of the unmanageability, you will realize a person who is imbibing poison that will do brain damage till it does enough physical damage to kill them: has a real management problem. If you can’t manage drinking poison, what is depth of you problem? What are these suicidal roots of this disease?

Of course if you take this a step further, you have to ask, just how delusional is the human race as whole. But that is a subject for my other blog.

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I have a very good friend who has well over 30 years of sobriety. The other day he ran across an old notebook that he had use as a journal in earlier days. The following is what it said:

 

The thing that I’ve wanted my whole life is an awareness of the presence of God in my life. I believe that it is the same experience that saints and mystic have sought and found.

 

I believe that the one thing that has prevented me from having the very same experience is the idea that God cannot be experienced now or at this moment, but must be experienced at some other time than now.

  I now believe that when it d comes to his presence,  a later time does not exist. There is no such time, and there is no such God. In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It says; “There is one with all power, may you find him now.” God say: “I am, I am” Christ says he will never leave us. God doesn’t say; he will be later, or He was. He says I am. This says to me He Is. Only in the present.

 

The Big Book doesn’t say you will find him after you have done a lot of stuff, .. gotten 6 month or one year of sobriety or read the book all the way through, or been secretary of a meeting or sponsored X number of people, etc, etc.

 

So at what ever moment you think you may have found God, It will be NOW at that moment.     End

 

One of the reasons I think the idea of one day at a time; really one moment at a time, is so important: is that God only exist in the presence. The term Eternal God. Means the God who is forever present.

 

May you find HIM Now! Visit Us At; http://www.soberduck.com

 

When I first came into AA. I saw the steps hanging on the wall. I read through them and thought they were like the doctrine of most churches. Being: a lose set of ideals that were not really followed or have any strict meaning. I hoped, I expected something “more concrete”, like a prescription. Of course, today my life, my hopes and my very sanity rest upon those steps.

 

But back then; I read step one: “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable” and thought “ if this is the beginning of some kind of a pledge of abstinence, It has sure has some pretty weird wording”. Being powerless over it was what I liked about it. Nothing else could slow the ranting of all the lunatics that lived inside my head. And my life being unmanageable.. well,.that was what they were ranting about.

 

After I had been in the program about three years, I heard a friend of mine tell her story. She related how that when she came into the program the last time; she had a legal action hanging over her head from her last drunk driving episode. When she finally went to court, on it, she had been in the program for about six months. Setting in the witness box, the prosecuting attorney grilled her on the specifics of the charges. Finally, he summed up by saying: “ Ms So N So, your record reflects, You have been in and out of AA for five or six years: you have been jailed twice, institutionalize three times, and been homeless. You have had you children taken from you. After all that, with all that you must have know about alcoholism, what would processed you to drink again. She said she wanted to be rigorously honest like the big book tells us to be. But, what was the truth?  Why did she do it? She thought and thought , and finally said: “ I thought it would work”

 

When I heard that, I was rocked, That is what step one was talking about: When Alcohol is choking the life out of you. You still think it is the solution, not the problem. Up until that time, I had always said; I will never drink again unless something really bad happens. Alcoholism had all but destroyed my life, and I was still saying: “ I’ll be good and not drink so that I can maneuver in this unfair world, but when the chips are down, I know; Ole John Barleycorn is my only real salvation…….. THAT IS INSANITY!

 

Today the God of my very little understanding is my salvation ( whether I am dead or ALIVE ). And, I don’t need a reason to be good. I can be good for nothing.